


i got my mind set

by ambitioncutsusdown



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: (i think), Character Study, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Newt, QueerTMR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-01-06
Packaged: 2018-01-07 18:14:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1122828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambitioncutsusdown/pseuds/ambitioncutsusdown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Without thinking about it, Newt steps forward to the mirror in his room. His hand is shaking as he lifts the lipstick, brings it closer to his mouth. Applies it with trembling fingers, his lips a little too smudged but that’s okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i got my mind set

**Author's Note:**

> first posted to [tumblr](http://ambitioncutsusdown.tumblr.com/post/71972918427/it-starts-with-lipstick-just-a-bright-pink), now posting it here :)

It starts with lipstick.

Just a bright pink lipstick, as innocent as it sounds. A lipstick left behind by Sonya or Brenda (or one of the other girls, but they’re the ones that enjoy wearing it the most), probably forgotten by them. Newt is the one to find it and he tucks it in his pocket with the intention to give it back later.

Only that later never comes.

When he takes his jeans of later that night, the lipstick falls out, the case opening as it bounces on the floor. Newt bends to pick it up and put the top on again, careful so he won’t break it, since it’s a pretty colour.

A pretty, pretty colour.

Without thinking about it, Newt steps forward to the mirror in his room. His hand is shaking as he lifts the lipstick, brings it closer to his mouth. Applies it with trembling fingers, his lips a little too smudged but that’s okay.

It doesn’t look that great, to be honest, but it feels… good. It makes Newt feel oddly at home in his skin, and when he tucks a strand of hair behind his ear and tilts his head to the side, lips curling in a soft smile, he’s surprised by how not-masculine he looks.

He’s also surprised by how good and light that makes him feel, and he decides to keep the lipstick.

He doesn’t wear it very often, usually only when he’s alone in his room, but he’s gone it wearing it once or twice. No one said anything (maybe they didn’t notice, maybe they didn’t dare. Maybe they didn’t care).

Weeks later he sees Teresa throw away something that looks like make-up. Newt saves it from the trashcan, and it’s hardly anything spectacular. A basic brown eye shadow that’s all shattered, mascara that’s a little sticky, eyeliner that’s nearly empty… All stuff Teresa couldn’t use anymore, but Newt isn’t picky.

His lashes look horrible the first time he tries the mascara, but no one needs to know, so he doesn’t really care. The eye shadow is better. The liner looks pretty damn great, if he may say so himself. It makes his eyes pop, gives him a bit of an edge, and Newt really likes it on himself.

First time he wears it outside, Aris stares at him for a few seconds and asks “did you change something about yourself?”

No one could put their fingers on what it was, but they all agreed something was different about him. Newt doesn’t know if they’re talking about the make-up on his face, or the confidence it gives him from within.

Three weeks later he buys his own. A “make-up starter kit” the girl in the shop told him. She was very helpful and didn’t look surprised or judging at all when Newt explained he was buying stuff for himself and not for his sister or girlfriend. What he takes home in the end is a nice foundation, more eyeliner, three sets of eye shadow, a new mascara (for extra-long lashes, “come on you can totally rock that,” the girl told him) and two different colours lipstick. Newt fees incredibly pleased with himself.

Getting a nice look is a bit harder than he expected, and after his fourth fail of evenly spreading foundation, he asks Brenda for help. Newt is so nervous he feels like throwing up, but Brenda seems touched that he asked her to help him and teaches him all the basics, a few tips, and sixty-five compliments.

The clothing comes a while later, and kind of happens on accident. It’s a dare - everyone is playing games and maybe a little tipsy. Newt has to change clothes with one of the girls who is wearing a skirt and… it feels nice. Comfortable. He has to keep wearing it for the rest of the evening, and every time Newt passes a mirror he has to stop and stare, think to himself that he’d be a very pretty, also think that maybe he already is a very pretty girl, and then get confused because he has a dick and everyone always told him that girls don’t have dicks. Guys have dicks. Newt can never be anything but a guy.

He tries not to think about how much that saddens him, and refuses to wear anything remotely feminine for weeks.

But one day he passes a clothing store, gives in to his impulses and buys a skirt. He goes home to put it on, even applies make-up afterwards. And he starts crying.

He cries for god knows how long, and when he feels like he can’t cry anymore, he calls the first person in his contact list, which happens to be Alby.

To say Alby is surprised to find him like that is an understatement, but he’s calm and sweet, makes Newt tea and combs his fingers through his hair, tells him it’ll all be okay.

"I don’t know who I am anymore," Newt whispers after a while, and it all comes out.

How he likes the make-up, and the skirts, but also his boots and his likes his hair in ponytails but also down and one time a little girl called him a pretty lady and he really liked that, and he likes feminine stuff but also masculine stuff and it’s not like he doesn’t wanna be a guy anymore, because he feels good as guy, be also feels good dressed like a girl and maybe he also feels good with female pronouns and he’s just so, so confused.

Alby doesn’t tell him that everything will be fine, but he does say that it’s okay, that there’s nothing wrong with him.

Telling everyone else what he told Alby is maybe the hardest thing Newt has done ever. Not because he’s ashamed, but just because it’s hard to explain. Sometimes Newt feels masculine and sometimes he feels feminine and sometimes he feels like both and sometimes he feels like neither, that’s it. A lot of people are confused, but no one says anything mean, and they all seem pretty cool with it. Minho tells Newt to just hit him in the face if he ever messes up. Brenda asks how he’s feeling right now

"Feminine," Newt replies. "But you look like a guy!" someone shouts. Six people turn to glare at him. "If Newt says they feel feminine, then that’s the truth and you can shut your mouth," Teresa tells him. It’s the first time Newt has heard someone use neutral pronouns for him, and it’s nice. Maybe it’s something he’ll ask for later, but for now he feels comfortable in his own skin, and that’s all Newt could ask for.


End file.
